2/3rds!!!

its really strange for me to constantly be surrounded by so many people. i'm such a loner in the real world, its almost a trial just to have to be social all of the time. i struggle with the need to find alone time, especially with the intense schedule we keep, my alone time is extremely limited. obviously, its been 2 weeks since i've written anything... not that a lot hasn't happened, as week 5 and 6 were definitely the toughest weeks for me. not physically in the yoga room, but mentally and emotionally - and physically, but i was having different issues, not related to sore muscles. 

so the room is better, we're no longer in a torture chamber. well, yes we are, i mean, thats what we paid so much money for, but at least we're not suffocating. they've installed fans (although i think it would have been a much smarter idea to place the fans closer to the floor rather than up 14 feet, as now they are just circulating hot, CO2 air...) and they're taken out a few ceiling tiles so that a little fresh oxygen can get into the room. and they make it a point to open the back doors after the standing series, an hour into class. it makes a world of difference. for the most part no-one has had to leave the room, and only a few have to sit out of any postures. at this point in the training, though, i don't think they are sitting/laying out because they are so physically drained, but more that they have minor injuries or muscular pain that they just can't mentally overcome that class. i've realized just how much it truly is a mind over matter thing. yes, i have many classes where i don't think i can physically do the posture, or i'm thinking ahead and saying to myself, "well, i made it through balancing stick, now how the hell am i going to do triangle??" - but when i can just persevere, and just do the yoga, i just do it. it gets done. and i feel great after. thats living in the moment, not having expectations, because if i expect myself to fail, to give up, to puss out.. i will. so i've started reminding myself how awesome i am :) my new yoga mantra is, "you've got this". and i do. i got a pretty bad heat rash during week 4, but it came and went, and i didn't let it affect me too badly. if i would have stressed out about it i would have only made it worse. i am so much stronger than i was before i came, in every capacity, and i am so much more dedicated to everything this yoga embodies and stands for. i didn't know how deeply this river ran. **how deep is that river? i don't want to know where it's coming from, i don't need to know where it's going to, before i place my trust in you, i just want to know how deep** its very humbling for me, as such a bikram yoga novice to be down here with 300 other trainees, most of whom have been practicing for at least a few years, some as many as 7-10. i feel so lucky that it called to me and pulled me in the right direction when it did, because i don't even know where my life would be right now if it hadn't. but there are no coincidences in life... everything happens for a reason. i am just so blessed that i fell into yoga following my breakdown, and it really, truly, saved my life. it picked me up and took me in the direction i believe i was meant to go. i didn't even know it at the time, but i was meditating daily. i couldn't have called it that, because i was unaware of what i was doing. but i already intuitively detached, in the yogic way. 

i recapped week 5 very briefly last weekend, just to myself, because i had every intention of blogging eventually, but obviously that never happened :) boss left monday, he was doing something like 15 cities over the course of 21/2 weeks, so week 5 was really just jam-packed with dialogue/posture cinic, day and night. we did 6 postures (triangle - trikanasana, standing separate leg head to knee - dandayamana bibhaktapada janushiranasa, tree/toe stand - tadasana with padangustasana, wind-removing - pavanamuktasana, cobra - bujangasana, locust - salabhasana... i just had to show off my sanskrit skills). people were freaking out because we would finish one posture in the afternoon and have to be prepared with another by the evening class. memorization is getting much easier, faster. the earlier postures in the class were really hard to memorize because we still weren't quite familiar with the wording, but now we've internalized the "bikram language" - and it really is a language of its own - that it takes less and less time to get it down. and i am so, so proud of my group 11 superstars. its so amazing to watch someone blossom and breakthrough, especially after a really rough and rocky start. the teachers started telling me that i needed to do corrections on my demonstrators at the end of week 4, and i've been working on that ever since. my demonstrators got a little out of hand during wind-removing because the teacher told them to make sure to give me something to correct, unfortunately they - all 3 - decided to do the exact opposite of every instruction that i gave - lol. so my dialogue for that posture was 50% dialogue and 50% correction. it was fun, and hilarious for all of the observers. and then the teacher said, "welcome to a beginners class! if you have a class full of first-timers, thats what its going to be like". GREAT. but i'm getting so much more comfortable with correcting, i'm actually seeing the students when i look at them. its not just a recitation or a performance, it truly is a dialogue - my words (well, bikrams words coming out of my mouth), their bodies. i dont feel like a fraud anymore - i feel like a budding teacher!! :) this past week i had the same teacher for 2 different postures, and the first time i went up for full-locust michael was asking questions like "where are you from, how long have you been practicing, why do you want to be a yoga teacher" and i told him that the yoga changed my life and i wanted to help others that were looking for that kind of help. so, of course, he wanted to know how it saved my life and i was like, "well, long story short i went through a really rough breakup and didn't know where my life was going and then i found the yoga, or the yoga found me and i never looked back". so then he wanted me to "be a bitch" so he had me dedicate my dialogue to my ex - it was pretty scary, because i really had to tap into my acting skills, he wouldn't accept the fact that i don't hold any anger or frustration anymore. i'm so over the past. but it went well, my demonstrators were a little scared. then on friday i had him again for bow and he wanted me to "dedicate to justin" again (they actually wrote that in the book!!) and i told him again that it was really hard because i'm not angry, so instead he just told me to get mad and scream profanities at my students. so bow was pretty much, "chin on the floor you little fuckers! hold your goddamn feet and kick your legs into the fucking air as hard as you fucking can!! kick harder douchebag, or i'll kick your fucking ass! get your goddamn legs up!" i was so bright red after :) he definitely succeeded in making me uncomfortable, and i'm sure thats what he set out to do, so mission accomplished. 

only 5 more postures to go, i'm certain we'll finish by the end of this coming week. i can't believe we're so far. but the weeks go by so fast, its like, "oh man, its monday!" but when its monday its practically friday. 

rajashree was here last week and gave some great lectures on yoga therapy and the amazing effect bikram yoga has on the sick and ailing. even for those with severely disabling diseases such as cancer and m.s. yoga can do wonders. i don't think that many people understand where the yoga comes from and why it was developed. in short, hatha yoga is a thousands of years old tradition in india, where health-care and medicine was not and is not readily available to the masses. hatha yoga is designed to work every organ, every system in the body in addition to the muscles/tendons/ligaments. yes, its amazing for your physical appearance, but even better for your internal organs, your cardiovascular system, digestive system, nervous system, respiratory... it goes on and on. people think that you have to be physically fit to do yoga, when, in reality, EVERYONE can and should do yoga. those that are out of shape are those who need it the most. it is "the key to the kingdom of health". and youth :) she talked a lot about spirituality and the connection between mind/body, but i won't get into that here and now. 

we got a little treat last night, the hotel put on a beach barbeque for the bikram trainees, complete with a bonfire and marshmallow roasting. it was really great, for a little while it was like we were not at bootcamp :) but its funny because as much as we would love to stay up and hang around the campfire... after a week full of class and clinic... a lot of us wanted to go to bed by 9:30!! it was still a lot of fun. danielle and i have been trying to get out of the compound on saturday nights, just to see something different. week 4 we went to hard-rock with chris, last weekend we went for sushi. this weekend we didn't do an outing, her parents are here so she's off doing something fun, and i'm still exhausted by the week... so i'm staying in. but the bbq was a welcomed retreat from reality for an evening. AND!! we watched them release the baby sea turtles back in the ocean. it was so precious. 

3 weeks to go...i can't believe it. kind of feels like just yesterday we were saying, "yay!! its week 3!" where did those 3 weeks in the middle go?!