no... i didn't vote absentee...

i have to send my love out to the boss - he gave us the night off!! mostly because a majority of us (at least the americans) wanted to watch the projected election results. but in the end it was because we had a kick-ass class this evening. when he's around, the ball is 110% completely in his court... and he could've made us suffer.. we thought we were going to be in lecture until 4 am last night!! luckily, menali cooked him chicken curry with rice, and he was falling asleep by 11:30!! so we had a relatively early night last night, too. so free night tonight. he reminded us while we were laying in final savasana about katherine asking last night if we would be able to watch the projections, and he said that he changed his mind. and i thought, "of course". he realized that if allowed us to watch the projections we would all have to watch from our individual rooms... and he wanted to go to the steam room! so he just said "free night, do whatever you like!" so i'm sitting in my room watching the projections :) unfortunately, and i do feel bad about this, i did not get my ducks in a row before leaving chicago to vote. however, the way i see it is: obama is from illinois... in this case my vote really doesn't matter. he's gonna take illinois. 

free time - gasp! i haven't had any of that for the last couple of weeks. i wont know what to do with myself when i go home. its going to be extremely strange to be re-introduced to society after this little 9 week escape from reality. i don't know if i'm ready... :) 

we had some really great lectures last week, jon burras - the "fascia guy" was here and talked all about the structure of the body and how everything really is affected when you do the yoga. i mean, i know all about the body from my massage therapy background, but it was extremely interesting to hear about it from a different perspective. he had some really avant guard theories, but they all had a lot of credible sources, and, really, they all make a lot of sense. one of the most fascinating is his theory "health OR fitness" - he argues that these two are not one and the same. in our culture we have been raised to believe that to be fit is to be healthy... and we are all willing to do anything and everything we can in order to obtain and maintain a "fit" body - and the only way we calculate "fitness" is by how we look. we're vain. "most often, wen we are practicing fitness we are more closely aligned with the beauty and cosmetic industry than the world of health and wellness." a hard body is not a healthy body. he also points out that the "father of aerobics" has since taken back his endorsements of such activity because of its adverse effects on the body. look into the number of people who've died while in the pursuit of the "aerobic myth" - the author of "complete book of running" died while running. think about it. yoga is the only true exercise in the world, because it is natural movement and scientifically sound - its been around for thousands of years! you can (and should!) practice yoga every day because it stretches the body - muscles, tendons, ligaments, connective tissues - strengthens by isometric contraction, trains the heart and lungs to work together happily, and, teaches the mind how to relax and let go. unlike any other physical activity, which tears and breaks down your tissues, yoga actually increases cellular production - you don't need to give your body a break in order to recover. done correctly, whether it be 10% or 100%, it is almost impossible to hurt yourself doing yoga. even less so in bikram, because the heat literally "melts" your connective tissues and muscular fibers and makes you so much more pliable. there is huge difference between true pain and the pain we associate with the sensation of stretching. i'll get off my soapbox now. 

friday was halloween, we didn't do anything special, but some people dressed up. i didn't have anything planned (i was really disappointed to be missing my favorite holiday...) but i ended up doing a little something for the evening class... check out my pic :) i was a "drowned yogi". i wore a bunch of black eye make-up to the evening class, everyone said how much they liked it, and i was like, "just wait until after class... that's when it'll really be scary!" and it was. 

got off of the compound on saturday, my posture clinic went out to dinner and to see the cliff divers on the other side of acapulco. the divers jump from a cliff 39 meters high into a space 12 meters by 8 meters, and they have to watch the tide as it comes in a out (its in this little cove) because it can mean a difference of at least 10 feet of water depth. some of the divers have been coming to yoga, and when they got up onto the top of the cliff one of them yelled over to us "bikram yoga!" and did half-moon. what a shout-out. the whole evening was really a lot of fun... my group is awesome. we have the smallest group, for some reason. all of the other groups have at least 20 people, and ours only has 15. we're the lucky ones, though, we all get along extremely well. 

its getting down to the wire, and its starting to really hit home that in less than two weeks some of us will be teaching our first class. i don't think anyone here really considers themselves ready to teach, but they keep telling us that when it you put on that head-mic, and walk into the room with a class waiting for you.. well, it just comes out. and i believe it. some people still think they're going to freeze up on dialogue and completely screw up their first class, if not the first many classes. but i know that its just a confidence issue. you have to walk in and own the room. as much as we all know at this point, we know more about the dialogue and the integrity of the postures than anyone else in that room. and its not about us, its about our students. they want what we are there to give, so it would be extremely selfish to not give everything that we've got (and after 9 weeks we've got a hell of a lot to give!!) 

there was a time during the last 4 weeks where i doubted myself. i felt like a fake. being so new to the yoga  i wondered how much respect i would get in the real world from seasoned practitioners. in the grand scheme of things, i didn't know anything about bikram or yoga. i knew that doing the sequence made me feel incredible and it truly changed my life. but the 26 postures, and breathing exercises.. that is only the tip of the ice-berg. talk about surface knowledge. during posture clinic i would deliver the dialogue, usually verbatim, and with enthusiasm and feeling. but for the most part, it felt like an act. i didn't feel like a teacher. i was looking at the bodies, but i was looking through them, i wasn't seeing them. my motto became "fake it til you make it". i've overcome that feeling of inadequacy. i know this yoga, i feel this yoga. i have a good understanding of the dialogue, and i know it's a continual learning process. but i'm so excited to share what i have gained. 

i'm ready. at least i will be. i can't wait to teach, i feel like it's what i was born to do. everything that has happened in my life, everything that i've done, all of the relationships i've had have led me to this point. i was drawn to this yoga for a reason, and it has to mean something, the fact that i knew right away that this training is what i was supposed to do. no question about it. i'm not a teacher yet, but i already love my job. this bikram family that i've been welcomed into is amazing and for the first time in a long time i feel like i belong to something. i've found what i've been looking for, my niche, my home. 

2/3rds!!!

its really strange for me to constantly be surrounded by so many people. i'm such a loner in the real world, its almost a trial just to have to be social all of the time. i struggle with the need to find alone time, especially with the intense schedule we keep, my alone time is extremely limited. obviously, its been 2 weeks since i've written anything... not that a lot hasn't happened, as week 5 and 6 were definitely the toughest weeks for me. not physically in the yoga room, but mentally and emotionally - and physically, but i was having different issues, not related to sore muscles. 

so the room is better, we're no longer in a torture chamber. well, yes we are, i mean, thats what we paid so much money for, but at least we're not suffocating. they've installed fans (although i think it would have been a much smarter idea to place the fans closer to the floor rather than up 14 feet, as now they are just circulating hot, CO2 air...) and they're taken out a few ceiling tiles so that a little fresh oxygen can get into the room. and they make it a point to open the back doors after the standing series, an hour into class. it makes a world of difference. for the most part no-one has had to leave the room, and only a few have to sit out of any postures. at this point in the training, though, i don't think they are sitting/laying out because they are so physically drained, but more that they have minor injuries or muscular pain that they just can't mentally overcome that class. i've realized just how much it truly is a mind over matter thing. yes, i have many classes where i don't think i can physically do the posture, or i'm thinking ahead and saying to myself, "well, i made it through balancing stick, now how the hell am i going to do triangle??" - but when i can just persevere, and just do the yoga, i just do it. it gets done. and i feel great after. thats living in the moment, not having expectations, because if i expect myself to fail, to give up, to puss out.. i will. so i've started reminding myself how awesome i am :) my new yoga mantra is, "you've got this". and i do. i got a pretty bad heat rash during week 4, but it came and went, and i didn't let it affect me too badly. if i would have stressed out about it i would have only made it worse. i am so much stronger than i was before i came, in every capacity, and i am so much more dedicated to everything this yoga embodies and stands for. i didn't know how deeply this river ran. **how deep is that river? i don't want to know where it's coming from, i don't need to know where it's going to, before i place my trust in you, i just want to know how deep** its very humbling for me, as such a bikram yoga novice to be down here with 300 other trainees, most of whom have been practicing for at least a few years, some as many as 7-10. i feel so lucky that it called to me and pulled me in the right direction when it did, because i don't even know where my life would be right now if it hadn't. but there are no coincidences in life... everything happens for a reason. i am just so blessed that i fell into yoga following my breakdown, and it really, truly, saved my life. it picked me up and took me in the direction i believe i was meant to go. i didn't even know it at the time, but i was meditating daily. i couldn't have called it that, because i was unaware of what i was doing. but i already intuitively detached, in the yogic way. 

i recapped week 5 very briefly last weekend, just to myself, because i had every intention of blogging eventually, but obviously that never happened :) boss left monday, he was doing something like 15 cities over the course of 21/2 weeks, so week 5 was really just jam-packed with dialogue/posture cinic, day and night. we did 6 postures (triangle - trikanasana, standing separate leg head to knee - dandayamana bibhaktapada janushiranasa, tree/toe stand - tadasana with padangustasana, wind-removing - pavanamuktasana, cobra - bujangasana, locust - salabhasana... i just had to show off my sanskrit skills). people were freaking out because we would finish one posture in the afternoon and have to be prepared with another by the evening class. memorization is getting much easier, faster. the earlier postures in the class were really hard to memorize because we still weren't quite familiar with the wording, but now we've internalized the "bikram language" - and it really is a language of its own - that it takes less and less time to get it down. and i am so, so proud of my group 11 superstars. its so amazing to watch someone blossom and breakthrough, especially after a really rough and rocky start. the teachers started telling me that i needed to do corrections on my demonstrators at the end of week 4, and i've been working on that ever since. my demonstrators got a little out of hand during wind-removing because the teacher told them to make sure to give me something to correct, unfortunately they - all 3 - decided to do the exact opposite of every instruction that i gave - lol. so my dialogue for that posture was 50% dialogue and 50% correction. it was fun, and hilarious for all of the observers. and then the teacher said, "welcome to a beginners class! if you have a class full of first-timers, thats what its going to be like". GREAT. but i'm getting so much more comfortable with correcting, i'm actually seeing the students when i look at them. its not just a recitation or a performance, it truly is a dialogue - my words (well, bikrams words coming out of my mouth), their bodies. i dont feel like a fraud anymore - i feel like a budding teacher!! :) this past week i had the same teacher for 2 different postures, and the first time i went up for full-locust michael was asking questions like "where are you from, how long have you been practicing, why do you want to be a yoga teacher" and i told him that the yoga changed my life and i wanted to help others that were looking for that kind of help. so, of course, he wanted to know how it saved my life and i was like, "well, long story short i went through a really rough breakup and didn't know where my life was going and then i found the yoga, or the yoga found me and i never looked back". so then he wanted me to "be a bitch" so he had me dedicate my dialogue to my ex - it was pretty scary, because i really had to tap into my acting skills, he wouldn't accept the fact that i don't hold any anger or frustration anymore. i'm so over the past. but it went well, my demonstrators were a little scared. then on friday i had him again for bow and he wanted me to "dedicate to justin" again (they actually wrote that in the book!!) and i told him again that it was really hard because i'm not angry, so instead he just told me to get mad and scream profanities at my students. so bow was pretty much, "chin on the floor you little fuckers! hold your goddamn feet and kick your legs into the fucking air as hard as you fucking can!! kick harder douchebag, or i'll kick your fucking ass! get your goddamn legs up!" i was so bright red after :) he definitely succeeded in making me uncomfortable, and i'm sure thats what he set out to do, so mission accomplished. 

only 5 more postures to go, i'm certain we'll finish by the end of this coming week. i can't believe we're so far. but the weeks go by so fast, its like, "oh man, its monday!" but when its monday its practically friday. 

rajashree was here last week and gave some great lectures on yoga therapy and the amazing effect bikram yoga has on the sick and ailing. even for those with severely disabling diseases such as cancer and m.s. yoga can do wonders. i don't think that many people understand where the yoga comes from and why it was developed. in short, hatha yoga is a thousands of years old tradition in india, where health-care and medicine was not and is not readily available to the masses. hatha yoga is designed to work every organ, every system in the body in addition to the muscles/tendons/ligaments. yes, its amazing for your physical appearance, but even better for your internal organs, your cardiovascular system, digestive system, nervous system, respiratory... it goes on and on. people think that you have to be physically fit to do yoga, when, in reality, EVERYONE can and should do yoga. those that are out of shape are those who need it the most. it is "the key to the kingdom of health". and youth :) she talked a lot about spirituality and the connection between mind/body, but i won't get into that here and now. 

we got a little treat last night, the hotel put on a beach barbeque for the bikram trainees, complete with a bonfire and marshmallow roasting. it was really great, for a little while it was like we were not at bootcamp :) but its funny because as much as we would love to stay up and hang around the campfire... after a week full of class and clinic... a lot of us wanted to go to bed by 9:30!! it was still a lot of fun. danielle and i have been trying to get out of the compound on saturday nights, just to see something different. week 4 we went to hard-rock with chris, last weekend we went for sushi. this weekend we didn't do an outing, her parents are here so she's off doing something fun, and i'm still exhausted by the week... so i'm staying in. but the bbq was a welcomed retreat from reality for an evening. AND!! we watched them release the baby sea turtles back in the ocean. it was so precious. 

3 weeks to go...i can't believe it. kind of feels like just yesterday we were saying, "yay!! its week 3!" where did those 3 weeks in the middle go?!

we're halfway there...

week 4 recap:

so much happened in this past week that i almost don't even know where to start. well... let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start - sorry, got lost in the memory of musical theater for a minute. 

sooo... monday morning and it's week 4. at this point we've already done over 30 classes. in the heated dungeon. by now we should ALL be prepared to do a 90 minute class without intermission, without interruption. we should all have the strength and lung capacity to not pass out/puke/feel dizzy or light-headed. we've all been practicing for AT LEAST 6 MONTHS TO EVEN BE HERE, not to mention getting a doctors note medically waiving us from any kind of physical liability. physically, we're all strong, able-bodied adults fully capable of doing 2 90 minute classes in a room heated to 105 degrees. and yet, here it is, monday morning and we have a good number of students standing out postures, laying throughout the class, leaving the room. individually i think we all questioned why this was still happening, as we all know ourselves to be much stronger and capable of much more, but when we voiced our concerns about the heat and humidity in the room the only response we got was, "this is what you signed up for. welcome to teacher training". am on monday was pretty brutal, and many of us were sick.   a nasty cold had reared it's ugly head and when you're in such close proximity with 310 people 16 hours out of the day, its pretty inevitable that it'll spread like wildfire. so monday morning was rough for me, i had to sit out the spine strengthening series (laying on your stomach) because there was so much congestion in my chest that laying on my ribcage and compressing the lungs literally took my breath away. the inability to catch my breath had happened before, but this time i didn't get as frusterated as i had before because i factored in the cold. i didn't lay down, and i didn't leave, but i felt bad because it was the first, and only, class that mike taught. unfortunately it may have looked like i was giving up, but the inability to breath makes me rather anxious, and anxiety makes breathing even more difficult. so i had to do what i could do at that point. 

that night boss was back and it was the hardest/hottest class i've ever experienced. the heat was cranked up and the doors were shut. we were being steamed alive and people were dropping like flies left and right. at one point 4 people walked out of the room almost immediately following each other. it was almost unbelievable because you DONT leave the room when the boss is teaching. its just something you don't do. but they did. they felt that they had to, and honestly, with reason. 3/4 of the way through class, after witnessing so many people walk out, lay down, sit out he got so angry and frustrated with us that he stopped class. to lecture us a little about how we are lazy pieces of shit and how he'll never do another teacher training. that he's wasting his time with us because we can't even give him the kind of respect to not do the things that we've been doing (sitting, laying, leaving). he stopped class and didn't resume. we ended with half-tortoise and were told to reconvene in the lecture hall at 9 o'clock. chris thought that we should finish class, continuing through the finals few postures on our own, but when we tried to move onto camel we were yelled at by a visiting teacher for "not respecting his final wishes and leaving". we had no intention of being disrespectful, if anything we thought we could honor him by finishing the class, but apparently that's not how she took it. 

so we were all really anxious for lecture that night, as far as anyone knew something like that had never happened before. with trepidation we all arrived at the lecture hall, and were told by the teachers to sit quietly in our seats and reflect on the situation. they were more nervous and anxious than we all were, edgy and snapping at the students, walking around on eggshells. nobody knew what to expect. i was ready for a long ass-chewing. if the way he was when he left the room was any indication of what would happen later, i was prepared for a long night in the lecture hall. so it was a huge relief when he strolled into the room and hopped onstage with a smile and said, "why are you looking at me like i'm going to yell at you? you think i'm mad? no, i'm not mad. i'm in a good mood". he then proceeded to explain to us why were aren't pieces of chicken shit (at least not completely). how he went back to his room after leaving the yoga studio and deliberated on the situation. almost 10 people have left the training since we started, one being a former member of the coast guard, another a tri-athlete. everyone that has come to training has to be physically capable and rather at the top of their class. so why, after 3 weeks, are we still dropping like flies? why are we still feeling the need to leave the room? why are people still getting sick, running out of the room to throw up? he called around to long-time colleagues and found his answer. never before has he had a yoga room in the basement of a building. never before has there been a structure of the size and capacity as the one we are practicing in, built to hold so many people, and yet without proper ventilation. no air-circulation, and no air-flow from the outside. there are no windows in the studio, as we are underground. surrounded by mirrors, and florescent lighting overhead, its like being in an institution. for the past 3 weeks we've been practicing in a room that has been getting no direct oxygen. not only is it being pumped full of hot, heated air, but add the 70-100% humidity level of the air (it being rainy season and all), and 350 bodies on top of it... we're slowly suffocating by oxygen deprivation. hence the sickness, the light-headedness, the inability to catch the breath. there literally isn't any air to breathe and we were told, "welcome to training". THANK GOD FOR THE BOSS. none of us would have thought of that. and yet when he made mention of it, it was like a lightbulb going off in everyones heads. a weight being lifted off of everyones shoulders. we all just thought it was ourselves. our own practices. we were beating ourselves up, tearing ourselves apart on the inside because we couldn't make it through class... and it was not our fault. that was not what we paid for, what we came here to accomplish. and nobody, not the teachers, not the boss, himself, knows what we went through in that room for the first 4 weeks. because everyday was a different battle with the heat and humidity. every day there was a different "cool spot" in the room, and every day we were in there twice a day, dreading the next class. i  don't want to dread going into the studio for fear that i won't be able to breathe. again, thank god for the boss. it's being fixed. but a giant round of applause, standing ovation, HUGE pat on the back to all of my fellow trainees - the first 4 weeks were literally hell, but we made it. we're halfway there. and nobody, not the teachers practicing in the back of the room, or the teacher standing on the podium with the vents raining cool air down their heads from above, not trainees before us, or trainees to follow will know what we went through in that basement torture chamber for the first 4 weeks of our training. kudos all.

ugh... head cold.

thank god, another sunday. another week over, and another monday (and full week ahead) just around the corner. weekends go by WAY TOO FAST. but i think thats probably the general consensus the world over, not just here at teacher training. but a good way to look at it is that now we're a third of the way completed. we'll never have the first three weeks again. 

the third week was pretty bad as far as my practice goes. but we're being reminded that we're really not here to improve our practice, we're here to learn how to become the best teachers. so i don't beat myself up if i can't touch my toes (which sometimes happens in the first set, during morning class - i'm sooo stiff!!) i don't belittle myself if i have to sit and rest, or if there are certain things i just simply am unable to do. i'd rather concede and take it easy that push just a little too hard, and do some damage. i can't be good for anyone if i'm injured. and i have to remember (because bikram tells us to!!) that i am the most important person in my life, and i have to take care of myself. 

so i'm getting sick. or i AM sick, rather. there's a nasty head-cold going around, and being in such close proximity with over 300 others practically 24 hrs/day, well its rather inevitable that we're all going to have it at one point. i have it now. i'm doing everything i can to shake it out, but i don't want to take medicine... that'll just fuck me up even more. so i made some garlic/chicken-soup stuff, since garlic is a natural antibiotic (and told danielle she may not want to practice next to me tomorrow, since it'll most likely be coming out of my pores, lol). i've been popping these vitamin c gummies all day, 12x my daily dose... don't know what else to do. lots of fluids, tea, water, juice. gargling with salt water, day and night. its nasty. i'm nasty. but i don't care. this is such a humbling experience, it makes me feel like dressing up, putting make-up on, all of that is so unnecessary. i've got no-one to impress. my man is far, far away - not to mention he likes me au natural anyways :) 

the first two days this week were the worst two days i've experienced thus far during training. monday wasn't all that bad, other than my mishap in the morning class, but tuesday was utter hell. for whatever reason, be it that i didn't rehydrate enough after getting rid of so many fluids monday, or not taking in enough protein, or being low on electrolytes... or a combination of all of it - half-way through the morning class i was knocked to the ground and totally unable to get back up. i lost my hearing, started seeing the electric sparks, and had the first signs of "tunnel vision". i know those signs - i was on the verge of passing out. i got out of the posture (it wasn't even a really difficult one! i made it through triangle, and it was in standing separate head to knee) and for the rest of class i think i was only able to do single sets here and there. i didn't complete 3/4 of the spine or floor series. but i didn't leave the room. i was determined to stay on my mat and suffer in silence. i knew i could stay in the room, and if i left i'd be kicking myself in the ass because i know its not necessary. for me, at that moment. 

not to mention its the third week, and now they've cranked the heat up. why? to fuck with us. thats what they do. now its around 115, or so i've heard. i would believe it. so it literally FEELS like hell. especially in the back of the room. we're divided into our groups now, and we have to set up in the yoga room depending on where our group is assigned. monday and tuesday my group had to be in the back of the room, the last two rows. one would think that it might be cooler back there, because its closer to the doors, but one would be seriously mistaken. there is absolutely no air circulation so its stagnant and boiling. FUCKING SUCKS. i think thats another factor into why i had such shitty classes, i was seriously overheating. and then, not knowing why, i was probably freaking myself out a little, getting a little anxious, and not properly breathing. who knows. all i know is that yesterdays evening class was better than the morning. as far as my performance goes. but last night was a killer class in that the teacher just frustrates me with the amount of rambling he does. i couldn't contain myself. i couldn't breathe through it and accept what was going on. instead i was yelling and screaming in my head, "shut the fuck up! we don't fucking care!!" and at one point, laying in savasana (which is supposed to be a relaxation pose, but when its 115 in the room, i'd much rather keep my mind and body busy and just keep on with the class - really, 5 minute savasanas are bullshit), i turned to danielle and said, "i hate him. i really hate him." she laughed and was like, "me too. all i can do is laugh." i wanted to cry. then we had 3 hours of stupid and redundant lecture. oh well, tuesday is over, and it'll never be again. 

sometimes i feel bad for feeling this way, but, ya know, i'm allowed to. i know its just a low, and i'll have my highs. and for as much as i hate some of the teachers, sometimes, i always respect them. i know they're here because they really care about producing the best teachers and want us to reach our full potential. but at the same time i really think they LIKE TO FUCK WITH US. i feel like i'm joining the bikram fraternity... i though hazing was seriously looked down upon... ;)

this morning my group was in the front of the room, we had diane, the really awesome teacher from boston, and it pretty much kicked ass. aside from being stiff as hell, having a strained hamstring, locked up joints in every possible location... it was a great class. 

quick note...

well, the first class of the third week is down. new teacher, she's one of the senior-most teachers, coming to us from boston. i thought her class was amazing - she used the analogy of her being the bus driver, us the the passengers. we can't get on the bus early, before the bus reaches our stop, we can't get on the bus late, because it will be gone. if we have to stop and wait for someone, we're all going to be late. i liked it. she made sure we were only doing what were being told to do each and every second. 

but for the first time, so far, i had to leave the classroom. it sucked. but it would have sucked more if i'd shit my pants/mat. i was having some stomach issues this morning before class, and i was hoping they would subside (or at least calm down) during class, but after the first set of standing separate leg stretching... i felt it coming! so i ran out of the room. but i ran right back in after and was able to complete the second set of triangle (which is sooo much better after emmy's posture clinic - that woman is amazing and an inspiration to anyone that meets her) and the rest of the class without mishap. 

about to go to take the anatomy exam. woo-hoo. not worried at all, i got this shit. 

two weeks down

                               

well, we've successfully gotten through another week. and although we've been told that we're still somewhat in the "honey-moon phase" i think we're all glad for it to be over. i know i am. yes, its sunday already, and i almost don't know where yesterday's time went, i am grateful for the rest of today. AND for the fact that i could actually fall asleep last night and sleep through the night, unlike last weekend. i'll tell you what we did yesterday...

rolling out of bed at 5:30 is no fun at all, but the morning class was a refreshing one, taught by linn, who really is a phenomenal teacher, with all of her energy and encouragement. it really is true, if you properly hydrate yourself before class... you don't need water! and she practically bitch slaps you (mentally) to try and get that into your head. mind over the matter... 

after class, and after lunch danielle and i both had private half hour sessions with the speech therapist the boss had come down for us. she gave a lecture on thursday afternoon about how to properly and effectively use your voice, so as to not blow out and do permanent damage to your vocal cords while teaching up to 40 hours a week (which, i'm sure, none of us will be doing, at least not right away, but sometime in the future you never know.) B is a longtime personally friend of hers, she saved his yoga teaching career, so she holds a special place is his heart, and she in his. anyways she gave an amazing lecture on thursday and i was so enamored with her vibrancy, strength, and commanding presence that i simply had to have an appointment with her. not for any particular reason, i had nothing in mind that i really wanted to talk to her about, but i felt like she would have something profound to teach me, or even tell me. she has a wonderfully correct intuition into someone's life and history simply by observing the way one carries themselves and speaks. so both danielle and i went to meet with her, one on one, and i think it was well worth the  money spent. we both felt extremely empowered after meeting her, and already can see some incredible differences. but one of the big things she said was to "GET OUT OF HERE!". this place can be suffocating, and extremely overwhelming, especially when we are eating, sleeping, breathing the same thing, the same ideas, the same studies. so we did. we took a cab into acapulco, went to the old-town flea market, did a little shopping and went out to dinner. it was just what we both needed, a really great afternoon. then came "home", did a little toying around online and finally crashed around 11:30. AND SLEPT UNTIL 9. perfect. 

today is a day for food shopping, and studying. luckily it looks like its going to be a beautiful day, hopefully we'll be able to get our tan on. we're all expressing the same concerns - "it's going to be pretty pathetic if we go home after 2 months in acapulco WITHOUT a tan!!". today's the day for a massage on the beach, too. CAN'T WAIT. LONG OVERDUE. 

here are some pics for y'all :)

first is the hotel, then my room, then me and danielle, the beach, and the yoga room. 

what a week so far

sunday night the earth shook. yup, experienced my first earthquake. it wasn't a big one, a 4.2 on the richter scale, nothing too spectacular (or terrifying!) for someone who regularly feels them, but for me - and danielle - who do not come from fault zones, we were definitely a little freaked out. it was around 1:30-2:00am, we'd gone to bed early, probably 3 hours earlier. i was still having a hell of a time sleeping so when i "woke up" to what i thought was danielle picking up the end of my bed i was like "what the hell?!". then i must have gone back to sleep - haha, the quake lulled me to sleep - and in the morning i had completely forgotten about it. it wasn't until we were in am yoga that someone mentioned it to danielle and she asked if i had felt it. i was like, "omg! i did! i remember now - i thought i had dreamt that". wierd. we had another little one - more of a tremor - yesterday during the evening yoga class - halfway through triangle, the ceiling tiles start rumbling around. i heard it but didn't feel it - i guess that can attest to my level of concentration during triangle.

so classes so far this week have been pretty phenomenal. monday was the first time i've been able to complete the entire class without interruption, no laying down, no sitting out entire postures or even sets. i've finally conquered triangle! its still not my best, but its getting better daily. i feel stronger. every day i can push it a little harder. i finally got to the point where i stopped stressing over the sequence... i literally take it one step at at time. i dont anticipate the next posture, or even the next set. i dont tell myself, "you can do this" or "you can't do this". i just do. to the best of my ability at that point. 

allison peed her mat yesterday in class... and then laid in her pee and cried. i know a lot of people have peed, shit, puked themselves in that room. luckily i'm not one of those poor souls. but i did pee a little in my bed monday night - i totally couldn't help it, i drank so much water trying to stay hydrated... but i realized it and make it to the bathroom... but definitely had to change my shorts! and i'm sure glad the maid changed my sheets yesterday...lol.

i've been having really strange dreams lately, things coming back up that i haven't thought about in years. repressed emotions, probably. i haven't had any major emotional break-throughs yet... but i'm sure that's to come. i did have a nightmare last night that i missed like 4 sign-ins and i was like "OMG DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO DO 4 MAKE-UPS?!?!?" lol. i guess that means i'll never miss a sign-in. at least thats what dale says. 

so this morning we had our first real "freak out". bikrams senior-most teacher, emmy cleaves, is here from L.A. and apparently being taught by her is a real honor. bikram says he can pretty much live without anyone, but he can't live without emmy. she's been teaching his yoga for 35 years. well, she has been teaching our morning class for the past three days now, and, honestly... she seems like a nice woman, definitely very intelligent, and full of good information. but to tell you the truth, she's a bit of a leach when it comes to sucking the life-force out of the class. not only does she pull the energy out of the class, she constantly is telling us how much we suck. come on, just a little positive reinforcement goes a long way... and her class has never run shorter than 2 hours. well this morning when we were coming towards the end (i believe we were in the second set of cobra, so we still had three more postures and final breathing) we hear someone up front yell, "one more minute" - because we were, indeed, at 89 minutes of what is supposed to be a 90 minute class. i don't think anyone really paid much attention, and quite frankly i'm pretty sure i said, "shut the hell up" - because i get really irritated when anyone talks during class. well, sure enough, one minute later, this older gentleman, stan, got up with his mat and towel and started storming out of the room yelling "fuck you! fuck this! this is breach of contract! this is supposed to be 90 minutes, you keep us here for 2 hours!! we signed contracts stating we would take two 90 minute classes per day - fuck you!! fuck you!!" and we're all like, "stan! wait! come back!" (even though he WAS vocalizing what we've all been thinking for the past 3 days. but sure enough he stormed out, and didn't come back. apparently he went and spoke with bikram, who really tried to encourage him to stay, but to no avail. i guess he was pretty sexist toward women, and felt that emmy had nothing to teach him, or us for that matter. i totally disagree with that part... (but i do agree that she could save her long ongoing stories for lecture and not yoga class...)

we had another movie night last night, and, luckily, i brought my pillow, blanket and sweatshirt, so when my eye-lids got heavy i was able to sleep. not comfortably, but any shut-eye at this point is welcomed. we got to bed around 1am (back to the room) and slept until 6. i woke up feeling like i had actually gotten an adequate amount of sleep. then i went to emmy's class and came out feeling like i'd pulled an all-nighter. its amazing how the energy in the room can really affect you in one way or the other. 

but all in all i feel a lot stronger, happier, and more content than i ever have, probably (the strongest, definitely). its weird to think i've been here for 11 days, but at the same time its weird to think that i've only been here for 11 days. i'm already anticipating how strange it will be to go back to a normal life, with a regular schedule. how odd to not being doing 11 classes per week... (well, taking 11 classes, i hope i will be in 11 classes total per week!) 

JUST HAD BIKRAMS FIRST LECTURE... NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE IT. MORE LATER. WHEN MY EYES AREN'T CHAFFING MY EYELIDS FROM BEING SO TIRED. 

winding down the weekend...

well, our day and a half of R&R is coming to a close. not that i got a whole lot of rest, but a decent amount of relaxation. we got up a half-hour early yesterday morning, at 5:30, because on saturdays our morning class (the ONLY class) is at 8 instead of 8:30. a nice little kick in the ass before you get the rest of the weekend off. class was actually a really great one, dale was teaching - pretty much our "training guide", he's the "enforcer of ridiculous but necessary rules" - and i liked his style. it was a straight up 90 minute class, primarily dialogue, not a whole lot of bull-shit. it seemed like the majority of people had a pretty decent class, i know i did. i was able to fully go into triangle - which has been my trouble spot for the past week. i don't know what the problem is, i haven't had issues with triangle before (and i am not bringing expectations from my previous practice - not freaking out like "omg, what's wrong with me?! i can always do triangle!") but i quite possible may be holding something in my hips, something that hasn't been broken down yet. who knows. its progressively getting better. 

i didn't do much all weekend, other than study. spent quite a bit of time just laying by the pool. yesterday danielle and i started out on the beach, but its so overwhelming to be bombarded by vendors trying to sell you everything from sarongs and beach cover-ups to cheap silver jewelry to 4-wheeler or horse-back rides that we just said "screw it, we'll go to the pool". not to mention we didn't necessarily want to leave our stuff unguarded on the lounge-chairs while we went into the ocean. and it was *freaking hot*, so we definitely wanted to get in the water. after spending some time by the pool we headed down the beach to this little cabana shop where we had been directed (by casey - this totally adorable texan red-head) to buy cheap bathing suits. it was so funny, her business card says "maria shop - we won't rip you off too bad" haha. she sold us a bathing suit and two really cute authentic mexican dresses for $70. i thought it was a great deal, i've been looking for a dress like the one i bought since i was in tulum back in 2005. its a wearable souvenir. i really want to get a massage, and some of the other therapists and i have discussed doing an exchange, but quite frankly i am just too tired to be working on someone else. i need to pampered. loren, i wish u were here with your big, strong hands :*(  they are giving us a "deal" here at the spa, but the prices are still crazy-expensive, and i've been told the quality is not at all impressive. and i am kind of a massage snob - but, hey, i'm allowed to be. one of the other therapists told me she got a pretty good massage by one of the ladies on the beach - for cheap. i think i'll hit that up next weekend... i'll probably take some hand sanitizer and provide my own oil, though... just thinking ahead. i don't know what kind of oil they use or where their hands have been before on my back... the last thing i need is some weird skin fungus... 

then we met up with allison, kara, stroud, isaac, and chris for dinner. after that was bedtime. and i was sooo excited to sleep in. maybe i was just so excited by the prospect of sleeping in but for some reason i couldn't fall asleep for shit. and when i finally did i tossed and turned all night long until 8am when danielle got up for her massage. i just got up and went downstairs planning to enjoy some coffee and internet, but instead of getting connected i ended up sitting down and having a long convo with stroud for almost 2 hours. but it was definitely worth it, we had a great discussion. i am meeting some of the most amazing people down here. i'm so glad we're all sharing in this journey together. some people have really shitty/snarky attitudes, and its definitely a bummer. but screw them, they're the ones making it worse for themselves. i'm nice to everyone until they give me reason not to be. even then i'm not going to be a bitch, but i for sure am not going out of my way to be friendly. i have to put enough effort into remaining calm and collected in the yoga room to try and worry about someone else's shitty attitude. 

after doing a little shopping at wal-mart (pretty funny, that's our escape) i came back to the hotel and lounged by the pool for a few hours, studying my dialogue and getting my tan on. i have the next two postures down - through awkward. thats my game plan for internalizing the dialogue. i am going to try to stay one step ahead of schedule. i think we'll be doing about 3 postures a week, so if i really familiarize myself with the up-coming postures the weekend before i should be spot on. time will tell if that plan of attack works. just had dinner with the gang, now its bed-time. starting the whole thing over again tomorrow. 

half-moon

so i did my dialogue in front of the boss yesterday. me, and danielle, and kara, and straud. and of course we all kicked ass :) we  got to the lecture hall early and got in line, because people have been fighting for a spot. the way we figured was it was close to the end, and we definitely didn't want to have to stress about it all weekend, our only free time!! 

surprisingly i was nervous, even though i know the dialogue and have done tons of public speaking. but for as much as you know the dialogue like the back of your hand, when you get onstage in front of bikram and 300 others who also know the dialogue - verbatim - your brain turns onto autopilot and you can hardly consciously think of what is coming out of your mouth. i made no mistakes, didn't forget any of the instructions, but a few times had to stop for a second and find where i was and what came next. onlstage you are living so much in the moment, the 'right now', that you can't really remember what you've already said (or not said!). find the balance between thinking and speaking. unlike most other things in life, you can't really think before you speak!! you just have to know - and go from there. 

i vocalized this observation to danielle and kara, and kara said that that is one of the most beautiful things about yoga, and especially this yoga. it brings out your true nature. the dialogue comes out so fast once you know it, and it becomes second nature. then who you truly are, your personality and caring for the others in the room really come forth through your tone, inflection, and feeling.  

the boss stopped me after "hips  more forward, upper body back more, weight in the heels" with a resounding "stop! that's enough. perfect. no correction." :) then he proceeded to ask the room "do you know why she has so much energy?" and of course everyone starts shouting out different things they think he wants to hear, to which he replies, "no. its because she massaged me." haha. i said, "of course! you have such great energy that i internalized it and held onto it for two months."

lucky number 7

thats how many classes we've done in the past 4 days. thats more than my average week of practice. and there's 3 more to go. my body is going through definite changes, none that are too extreme [so far] but many that were unexpected. i hurt, all over, but in a good way. my practice is getting stronger daily, and although i'm sure i'll be taking some backwards steps as my muscles strengthen and tighten i'm hoping to find the balance sooner than later. but i actually think its something we'll all experience numerous times throughout training. there is not standing still, we are in a constant state of change. 

so, for the most part i really am a positive person. i try to see the bright side to every situation and find the good in whatever curve balls come my way. but last night, i just couldn't understand the meaning behind our evening lecture. posture clinic ended at 10pm because bikram wanted to watch a movie with us. Ok, fine. he told us what it was about - the main theme being overcoming differences and discrimination between religions/ethnicities/beliefs. sounds great. i understand now why his school is called "bikram's yoga college of india" - this yoga is so much more than just the asanas, it is about every aspect, every facet of life. he brings india to the west, in every way - family, love, religion. its all about personal beliefs. so i was totally down for learning. he's the guru - please, teach me. but when it came time to set up the projector, the dvd wouldn't work, so he brought down another one of his favorites - some bollywood musical romance. it was the corniest, most ridiculous thing i've ever seen, not to mention 3 1/2 hours long. we were stuck [and i do mean stuck, we were not allowed to leave - doors locked] in the freezing auditorium the entire time. didn't get out until 2am, when we have an 8:30 yoga class, which he was not teaching. some people brought pillows, others, earplugs - because one of the tricks to keeping people from sleeping is to blast the volume on high. i tried so hard to shut my eyes and block it all out, this week has really been extremely exhausting just trying to get into the swing of things, but to no avail. i was wide eyed the entire time. but by intermission - yes, it was two parts, had an intermission which, of course, we did not observe - i was pissed. i was ranting - in my mind - 'what the hell, why do we have to watch this piece of shit? just because he doesn't sleep means that we can't? he's not the one doing double classes, and getting up at 6am!' by the time the movie was over i was almost in tears i was so tired. this morning my eyes were puffy, itchy, and red from lack of sleep. i walked into my morning yoga class already saying, "i'm going to be laying down through half of this" - i already anticipated my own weakness. but the instructor this morning was so motivating, he reminded us all of how easy it is to give up, to panic, to lose faith in our own abilities. the only limitations which exist are those within the mind. if you stop thinking, and only do... you can do anything. after my lowest low - so far - i went and had my best class so far. and it made me understand the reasoning behind keeping us up so late and in such misery last night. sleep is necessary, but being tired is a choice. this yoga definitely gives you energy. as bikram would say, yoga is a gas station [actually, he says this about the savasana, but i'll use the analogy for the entire practice]; when you're running on empty you can refuel your body and become as good as new. i was more awake and refreshed after my 90 minute class than i was before i went in, thats for sure. and here it is now, almost 9pm, after having done another 90 minute class and about to head off to evening lecture, where we'll probably be until at least midnight. and i'm actually pretty chipper.  

and i get it now. at least today. the reason behind all the bullshit - or what seems like bullshit. stuff that is, on the surface, totally unrelated to yoga. we all chose to come here, to be taught by bikram, to have him lead us, and teach us all that he has to share. he is our guru. we are students. this [amazing] resort is the most luxurious ashram in the world. 

and it really is - i went and jumped into the ocean after class today. the water was glorious and a light rain was falling. i couldn't ask for a better way to wrap up that portion of the day. 

first day of doubles

got up at 6am this morning (after going to bed around 12:30 last night - the hotel was celebrating the mexican independence with a huge party in the lobby, including mariachi and the whole she-bang. was pretty cool, aside from the fact that my room is less than 25 yards away... and mexicans love to party), made and drank my protein drink, ate a banana and downed about 24oz of water. then laid back down until 7:30. wanted to make sure i had enough food and hydration to sustain me through this first of many long and strenuous days. i'd rather get myself into a good pattern now, rather than be one of those poor saps puking/passing out/cramping so bad they're sobbing. our first yoga class started at 8:30, but check-in starts a half hour before class, so we headed down there a little after 8. class this morning was really refreshing. we ended up in the center of the room - somehow we managed to be in row 5 without even knowing it - so we were under one of very few vents in the room.  i felt adequately hydrated, so the heat in the room really didn't bother me too much. i only had to sit/lay down a couple of times, and for the most part i was really happy with my practice. rajashree led the class today, and i just love her. every time she speaks i want to break down and cry, i just feel such a draw towards her. she has a beautiful energy surrounding her. 

after lunch we had our first dialogue clinic, and i was pretty anxious to do my half-moon. at first i didn't know if i wanted to go today or not, but after thinking about it i realized that i know that shit, and putting it off until tomorrow or thursday is doing no good for me, only creating more stress and anxiety worrying about it. unfortunately there were too many eager souls, fighting tooth and nail to get onstage and impress bikram - or just get it out of the way. for the most part everyone was pretty impressive - bikram, himself, said that we are the best group of teacher trainees thus far. i plan on being one of those at the front of the line tomorrow morning. 

just got out of our second class for the day, and i had a pretty good class. there were a few times that i thought, "i can't do this, i have to lay down", but i really tried to push through it and at least get through the first set of those postures. the room seemed a bit hotter, which it probably was, since it had been heating up all day, and i certainly sweat my ass off. i'm going to have the best skin when i'm done with this :) bikram started being a bit harsh on some of the students - i'm really trying to not set him off, i don't want to be picked on the way he picks on  people. even though i know its his way of handing out tough love. he's really not a dick, but he sure can come off that way. but i am very appreciative of him, and the fact that he is going to be here with us for so much of our time down here... even though i have to keep reminding myself to feel that way. tonight's class was over 2 hours! 2 hours and 15 minutes!! and at the end of it, he kept us in our final savasana for like 20 minutes and insisted that we listen to 2 of his songs from the cd - bikram love. i'm like, "are you for real?" btw the cd itself is hilarious, he's on the cover with holding a microphone with his "gun" pointed at you like, "heeeey".  by that point i was getting frustrated and angry. ... gotta go, time for evening lecture...

2nd day

we had an easy morning, no class, just another lecture in the auditorium, which we didn't have to be at until 10am. in a way it was nice, but at the same time i think a lot of us are really anxious to get into the swing of things and try to set a routine. thats really the only way to get out of this alive :) 

i got a little choked up when rajashree was speaking this morning. she welcomed us all with such love and compassion. we are family now, a true part of the choudhury clan. there is no animosity here - we're all here for the same reason, and we should all act as though we are family, because we are now. we are all the same on the inside, and we are all going to experience the same trials and tribulations during this journey.  it was such an overwhelming feeling that i felt a few tears come to my eyes. i know i'm going to go through plenty of emotional ups and downs, but i didnt think it would start so soon. but emotional breakdown is a good thing. how many of us really laugh the way that the we want to? cry the way we want to? this is a safe place, we're going to learn how to live and feel... then we met bikram, and he is such a character. not to mention a literal fount of knowledge, wisdom, and insight. he can meet a person for one minute, look at them and listen, and really SEE them, know immediately what kind of person they are, what truly lies in the heart and soul. and i know this is true, from meeting him in july. that, too was an overwhelming experience, but i could tell from the two hours i spent working on him that he is really a special person. i can't believe we'll be learning from him, and all of his senior staff the entire 9 weeks. "nowhere else in the world will you find the faculties that will be accessible to you for the next 60 days." we are the luckiest people in the world right now. he told us he'd teach us to the live about the masses - he's going to give us the ability to tap into our higher consciousness. 

 

then we had our first class in the "torture chamber". it's nice because they have all been telling us to take it the easy the first week, that this is something we will need to ease into, our bodies need time to adjust. so "boss" said he'd take it easy on us. yeah... that meant allowing us to sit or lie down as needed, but leaving us in postures for indeterminate amounts of time, cutting savasanas short, and singing! our first class was 2 hours long! not complaining, though. its just the beginning. it was definitely not my best class ever, i had to take quite a few breaks, but my body isn't used the the [at least] 70% humidity in the room, and i've been out of class for, gasp, at least two weeks. i was trying really hard to stay focused, but i've been battling some kind of bug and my throat glands were swollen and sore, and my head was throbbing. and i had to pee something fierce by the second posture, so my floor series suffered slightly. but i'm getting myself hydrated and preparing for tomorrow. we start the normal routine, with double classes, posture (dialogue) clinics, and lecture. yay. we'll see how my body is holding up by saturday :)

the first three posts...

so i started blogging on facebook, only to lose my first entry, so somewhere in the cyber world of facebook is a really informative post about my first night at training... then i started blogging on myspace, only to realize that many of my friends and family dont use myspace...

so

here are the first three (well, subsequent three, after the first was lost)  -